Guy Rules

#1. Men are NOT mind readers.

#2. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

#3. Sunday football. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

#4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

#5. Crying is blackmail.

#6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

#7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

#8. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

#9. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.

#10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

#11. If you won't dress like the  Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

#12. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

#13. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one.

#14. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

#15. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

#16. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

#17. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have NO idea what mauve is.

#18. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

#19. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.

#20. If you ask us what is wrong and we say "Nothing," Then that means nothing is wrong.
Don't prod and poke expecting to find some emotional treasure buried away.

#21. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

#22. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

#23. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or football.

#24. You have enough clothes.

#25. You have too many shoes.

#26. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight: But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

If you're a guy reading this, I dare you to show it to your spouse/mate/partner/darling/sweetie!

Why Men Wear Earrings

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is  wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

Did you catch the joke? Haha...

Fun with Anagrams

PRESBYTERIAN: BEST IN PRAYER (When you rearrange the letters)

ASTRONOMER: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE: HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY: DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: TWELVE PLUS ONE

And you gotta luv this one:

MOTHER-IN-LAW: WOMAN HITLER

Husband of the Year

The British
The Americans
The Polish
The Serbs
The Greeks
And of course the most romantic of all, the Irish!

Love vs Marriage

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.

Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.

Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.

TV has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".
 
Conclusion:
"Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"

My Private Part Died

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day, he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
 
"Yes, Nurse Tracy", said Mr. Wallace.

"My Private Part died today, and I am very sad".

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace.  Please accept my condolences".
 
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Wallace"' she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas".

"But, Nurse Tracy, I can't,", replied Mr. Wallace.  "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died".

"Yes," said Nurse Tracy, "'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

"'Well," he replied, "Today is the viewing".

Paraprosdokian What?

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part.
 
It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. Some examples, of which some are quite thought-provoking:
 
1) Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2) I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

3) Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4) The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

5) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

6) If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

7) We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

8) War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.

9) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

10) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11) Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

12) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

13) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

14) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

15) Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

16) Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they  can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

17) I  thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay bills.

18) A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

19) Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:",  I put "DOCTOR."

20) I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

21) Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

22) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

23) Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

24) Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

25) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

26) You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

27) The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

28) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

29) Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

30) Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

31) I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

32) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

33) There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

34) I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

35)  I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

36) When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

37) You're never too old to learn something stupid.

38) To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

39)  Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

40) A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

41) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Learning Hokkien

Learning Hokkien

Underwear Company

Don't be offended. It's just a joke!

A man went to a woman's underwear company for a job interview. The
manager says, "If you can answer these 3 questions right, the job is
yours! We pack our panties in 7-packs, 5-packs and 12-packs. Why?"

The man thinks for a moment and replies, 

The 7-packs are for Indian women: one for each day of the week.

The 5-packs are for American women: one each for Monday to Friday, and they don't wear panties on weekends.
  
The 12-packs are for Pakistani women: one each for January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December.

He got the job.....