The Priest's Ass

The Priest entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again.

The local paper read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Priest not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Priest to get rid of the donkey.

The Priest decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is: being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Three Little Pigs and Christmas

This is a popular Christmas video. It's pretty hilarious. Enjoy!

video

The Hired Hand

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before, and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was,could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man (really?).

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea, and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'

Obama Economics

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class.

That class had insisted that Obama's socialism would work, and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich – a great equalizer.

The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan."

All grades would be averaged, and everyone would receive the same grade – so no one would have to fail, but no one would be able to receive an A.

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.

As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride, too, so they studied far less.

The second test average was a D! No one was happy.

When the 3rd test finally rolled around, the average was an F.

As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased – but bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would agree to study for the benefit of anyone or everyone else.

All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor explained to them that socialism would also ultimately fail for exactly the same reason – because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when someone (government) takes the reward away, no one will try or care enough to strive to succeed.

Couldn't be any simpler than that...

Universal Laws

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of bio mechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.  They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.  The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

Taking a Woman to Bed

What is the difference between girls/women Aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?

At 8: You take her to bed and tell her a story

At 18: You tell her a story and take her to bed

At 28: You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed

At 38: She tells you a story and takes you to bed

At 48: She tells you a story to avoid going to bed

At 58: You stay in bed to avoid her story

At 68: If you take her to bed, that'll be a story

At 78: What story? What bed? Who the hell are you?

Guy Rules

#1. Men are NOT mind readers.

#2. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

#3. Sunday football. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

#4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

#5. Crying is blackmail.

#6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

#7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

#8. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

#9. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.

#10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

#11. If you won't dress like the  Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

#12. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

#13. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one.

#14. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

#15. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

#16. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

#17. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have NO idea what mauve is.

#18. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

#19. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.

#20. If you ask us what is wrong and we say "Nothing," Then that means nothing is wrong.
Don't prod and poke expecting to find some emotional treasure buried away.

#21. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

#22. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

#23. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or football.

#24. You have enough clothes.

#25. You have too many shoes.

#26. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight: But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

If you're a guy reading this, I dare you to show it to your spouse/mate/partner/darling/sweetie!

Why Men Wear Earrings

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is  wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

Did you catch the joke? Haha...

Fun with Anagrams

PRESBYTERIAN: BEST IN PRAYER (When you rearrange the letters)

ASTRONOMER: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE: HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY: DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: TWELVE PLUS ONE

And you gotta luv this one:

MOTHER-IN-LAW: WOMAN HITLER

Husband of the Year

The British
The Americans
The Polish
The Serbs
The Greeks
And of course the most romantic of all, the Irish!

Love vs Marriage

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.

Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.

Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.

TV has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".
 
Conclusion:
"Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"

My Private Part Died

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day, he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
 
"Yes, Nurse Tracy", said Mr. Wallace.

"My Private Part died today, and I am very sad".

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace.  Please accept my condolences".
 
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Wallace"' she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas".

"But, Nurse Tracy, I can't,", replied Mr. Wallace.  "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died".

"Yes," said Nurse Tracy, "'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

"'Well," he replied, "Today is the viewing".

Paraprosdokian What?

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part.
 
It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. Some examples, of which some are quite thought-provoking:
 
1) Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2) I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

3) Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4) The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

5) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

6) If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

7) We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

8) War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.

9) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

10) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11) Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

12) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

13) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

14) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

15) Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

16) Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they  can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

17) I  thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay bills.

18) A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

19) Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:",  I put "DOCTOR."

20) I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

21) Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

22) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

23) Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

24) Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

25) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

26) You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

27) The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

28) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

29) Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

30) Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

31) I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

32) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

33) There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

34) I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

35)  I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

36) When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

37) You're never too old to learn something stupid.

38) To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

39)  Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

40) A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

41) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Learning Hokkien

Learning Hokkien

Underwear Company

Don't be offended. It's just a joke!

A man went to a woman's underwear company for a job interview. The
manager says, "If you can answer these 3 questions right, the job is
yours! We pack our panties in 7-packs, 5-packs and 12-packs. Why?"

The man thinks for a moment and replies, 

The 7-packs are for Indian women: one for each day of the week.

The 5-packs are for American women: one each for Monday to Friday, and they don't wear panties on weekends.
  
The 12-packs are for Pakistani women: one each for January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December.

He got the job.....

What's in a Name?

What's in a Name?

Stop Lying to Me

stop lying

Sagging Breasts

Sagging Breasts

Family Time

Family Time

Fast-Thinking Old Man


An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. 


He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach  trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket  to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.  

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. 

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' 

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
 

Some old men can still think fast!

What's so Special about August 2010?

An interesting fact about August 2010 before the month ends!

This August has 5 Sundays, 5 Mondays, and 5 Tuesdays. All in one month!

It happens once only in 823 years. So be Thankful that you get to witness it!

When David Goes to USA

After a 2-year loan to the USA, Michelangelo's David is being returned to Italy...

Proudly sponsored by:

Till Death Do Us Part

When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated.

A couple of months later, Myrtle also died.

Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe.

Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him with another woman.
She ran towards him, calling his name: "Joe Darling... Joe……….."

Joe said: "Hold your horses woman, and don't 'darling' me. The deal was very clear.

"Until Death Do Us Part"

Mohammad Johnny

Mohammed, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio.

"What is your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammed," answered the kid.

"You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny," replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.

"My name is not Mohammed. I’m in America and now my name is Johnny."

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" and she beat him.

Then she called his father and he too beat him.

The next day Mohammed returned to school.

When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny?"

"Well ma'am, 4 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by two Arabs."

No Diapers, Save Money

Having a baby can be a pretty expensive affair. Here's how you can save some money by not using baby diapers. Only the Chinese...only the Chinese.

English -- Crazy Language

Be confounded and confused by the English Language
Something to ponder for the day...

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English could be running the danger of being called verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

I would like to add that if people from Poland are called Poles then people from Holland should be Holes and the Germans Germs!

Wonderful English

In a Bangkok temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge , Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa,leaving Nairobi: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE..

On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel , Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel , Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

In a cave near Ipoh , Malaysia: NO PENETRATION IN THIS AREA AFTER 4PM.

Serving Men Chicken Wings

How to serve men chicken wings. No offense, ladies!

Caught for Speeding

I got stopped for speeding yesterday!

I thought I could talk my way out of it until the officer looked at my dog in the back seat...

Banned From Disney

I think they might have gotten themselves banned from the family-friendly Disney world. LOL

Disney

An Ugly Day

Just had an ugly day? Well, I supposed it cannot be worse than these images...

Ugly Day1

Ugly Day2

Ugly Day3

Ugly Day4

Ugly Day5

Ugly Day6

Ugly Day7

Ugly Day8

Ugly Day9