Which is the Sweetest Mom?

They say a picture paints a thousand words. Look at all these sweet adoring mothers...except for...













Upgrading from Boyfriend to Husband

Dear IT Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower, gifts and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many othervaluable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6..5, but installed undesirable programs such as Formula One 5.0, NBA 3.0 and World Cup 2.0.

And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?


Signed,
Desperate Housewife


Reply:

Dear Desperate Housewife,


First keep in mind: Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.

If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night Teh Tarik 6.1.

Late Night 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Sexy Dress 3.0 and Tongkat Ali 6.9.

Good Luck,
IT Support

Racial Harmony Joke

Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London.

One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.. Just before takeoff, a rabbi sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff the rabbi kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the rabbi, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the rabbi`s shoe and spat in it. When the Rabbi returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one, too.'

Again, the rabbi obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the rabbi's other shoe and spat in it.

When the rabbi returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the rabbi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors:

'Why does it have to be this way?

'How long must this go on?

'This fighting between our nations?

'This hatred?

'This animosity?

'This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'

Two Nuns

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up..

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, I'll pray for you!

Lincoln and Kennedy Mystery

This is one history lesson most people probably will not mind reading! It's not funny but it's creepy and interesting...

1) Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

2) Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.


3) Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.


4) Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head

5) Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

6) Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

7) Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln , was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

8) John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln , was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

9) Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

10) Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford.'

11) Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.


12) Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

13) A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.