8 Ways to Start a Fight

1) One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a Cemetery plot as a Christmas gift . The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

2) My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"

I replied "Dust"

And that's how the fight started.

3) A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.. I really need you to pay me a compliment.

'The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.

4) My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a weighing scale.

And that's how the fight started.

5) I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's how the fight started.

6) My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

o I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's how the fight started.

7) I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14..95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's how the fight started.

8) I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started.

Racist Joke

A lawyer and an Chinese are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that all Chinese are so dumb that he could get over on them.

So the lawyer asks if the Chinese would like to play a fun game. The Chinese is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines, and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the Chinese's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?'

The Chinese doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Chinese's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails
to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Chinese and hands him $500. The Chinese pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Chinese up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?

The Chinese reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Morale of the story: respect others, regardless of race and religion!

10 Great Tips for Happiness

1) Do not get into trouble.

2) Aim for greater heights.

3) Stay focused on your job.

4) Exercise to maintain good health.

5) Practice teamwork.

6) Rely on your trusted partner to watch your back.

7) Save up for a rainy day.

8) Rest and relax.

9) Always smile when your boss is around.

10) Last, remember that 'Nothing is impossible'.

Ladies Beware!

Dress up when you are at the zoo, especially when you sit beside an oran utan.

oran utan garbbing woman's breast

Bet you Didn't know about these

30 interesting things to know... enjoy

1) 'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand.

2) No word in the English language rhymes with month , orange, silver, or purple.

3) 'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.

4) Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

5) The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet.

6) The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

7) There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

8) There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.'
(Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)

9) 'Typewriter' is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

10) A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

11) A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds .

12) A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

13) A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

14) A snail can sleep for three years.

15) Almonds are a member of the peach family.

16) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that also . Actually I know A LOT of people like this!)

17) Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

18) February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

19) In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

20) If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

21) Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

22) Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

23) Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

24) The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

25) The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

26) The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

27) The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid .

28) There are more chickens than people in the world.

29) Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

30) Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Now you know more than you did before!!

What is Old?

Haha, just for laughs...

Old is when...

1) Your sweetie says,
'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer,

'Pick one, I can't do both!'

2) Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

3) A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

4) Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

5) You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

6) You are cautioned to slow down...by the doctor instead of by the police.

7) 'Getting a little action' means I don't need to take any fiber today.

8) 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

9) An 'all-nighter' means not getting up to pee.

Man and Woman Jokes

1. Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.

2. There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married - and now he is going thru hell.

3. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : "Wife wanted". Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing : "You can have mine."

4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

5. It's easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married.

6. A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000 I swear that we will kidnap your wife." The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours."

7. "What's the matter, you look depressed." "I'm having trouble with my wife." "What happened?" "She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days." "But that ought to make you happy." "It did, but today is the last day."

8. When she is 18 - She is a football, 22 men going after her.
When she is 28 - She is a hockey ball, 8 men going after her.
When she is 38 - She is a golf ball, 1 man hitting on her.
When she is 48 – She is a ping pong ball, 2 men pushing to each other.

9. At 20 - A man is like a coconut, so much to offer, so little to give.
At 30 - He is like a durian, dangerous but delicious.
At 40 - He is like a watermelon, big, round and juicy.
At 50 – He is like a mandarin orange, the season comes once in a year.
At 60 - He is just like a raisin, dried out, wrinkles and cheap.