For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.
Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down he aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.
Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
Smith climbs to the top of Mt.Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord...
"God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."